tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30218644949202521972012-02-06T05:45:39.118-05:00Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.comBlogger7071100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-49164688217063853512012-02-04T21:26:00.002-05:002012-02-04T21:41:27.485-05:00

Well, it appears that Christmas and the twins' knee surgery really threw me for a loop. I'm talking mondo crazy inside. Things have gotten much better since the last post.1. I met with some friends Thursday evening and all went very well.2. I went to a movie theater for the first time in nearly six years and that went okay, too.3. The twins both placed in the regional science fair and one of them

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-84060938120046375222012-01-30T00:55:00.004-05:002012-01-30T01:33:40.691-05:00

I went shopping for groceries today. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me it was. I couldn't get myself together good enough to drive myself. My husband had to take me after working all day. He was tired, but he still helped me. I am very lucky in some ways. At first I tried to bribe him with food. I told him how it would be great if he could come and help, because then he could

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-74531696429711289342012-01-26T23:39:00.002-05:002012-01-27T00:28:49.688-05:00

I have a few very scattered memories of her precious few 'attempts' at pretending to be a mother. She read me a book one day when it was raining and I couldn't go outside. It was a Dr. Seuss book. She packed my lunch a few times. She gave me baloney sandwiches and raw carrot sticks. I didn't like them, but I ate them anyway because she made them for me and I was so very hungry for a mother's love

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-31416732859901096452012-01-24T00:23:00.002-05:002012-01-24T01:06:10.818-05:00

I had a meltdown and had to remove my blog for a bit. I had a meltdown because the twins are getting better and are now recovering nicely like I wanted for them. So why the meltdown? One child in here has missed the therapist very desperately. He has been generous and kind with emails and phone calls, but she wants him physically and misses the safe comfort of his body. She often felt like he was

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-26938566031785706252012-01-20T01:35:00.002-05:002012-01-20T02:02:17.945-05:00

I don't know how I will get out of bed to take the twins to physical therapy. I don't know how I will do it, I only know that I will. It will be like magic. And then I will pay dearly. I am so tired. It scares me to wonder what 'bank' I am borrowing from to give away that which was never mine in the first place. I can already feel the interest charges racking up. I feel it in my back and in the

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-16844516031227504182012-01-15T13:12:00.002-05:002012-01-15T13:21:02.649-05:00

I guess this is the crash. The twins had an episode of pretty bad pain last night and it really scared me. I woke up my husband and asked him to stay home from work today to help me. After the pain was settled, I crawled into bed with my heating pad and slept till noon, waking only to help one of the twins go potty. I hate having to leave my heating pad. I feel cold and lonely without it. I have

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-45681814787704103962012-01-14T00:52:00.003-05:002012-01-14T01:10:39.590-05:00

Friday kind of sucked. It was awful to be aching and deprived of sleep and love and then having to load up the twins and the crutches and the wheelchair and tote it all to physical therapy. One of the twins threw up in the truck and I wrecked one of my own knees while wrestling a wheelchair back into the truck at the end of it all. I am so toast. But I have made an important discovery. I don't

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-35723647211501578922012-01-13T00:03:00.000-05:002012-01-13T00:05:00.706-05:00

I'm very tired and need to sleep, but I can't yet. I have to stay up a little longer to give the twins their pain medication. And then I have to get up early. I hope to be able to clean myself up before I take them to their first post-surgery physical therapy appointment. I've been too tired, busy and overwhelmed to shower. I took my hair down out of my ponytail today. My youngest daughter walked

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-51197164795730378812012-01-11T22:39:00.004-05:002012-01-12T00:10:06.852-05:00

Hey. It's me again. Here's the scoop for anyone who still shows up here:Maybe a few of you remember some posts about my twin daughters and the terrible problems they have had with their knees dislocating a lot. Well, their problems turned out to be too severe to be helped by the multiple physical therapies they've had, so... now that they have reached their full height, they finally had surgery

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-64172961155244606832011-10-28T00:30:00.002-04:002011-10-28T01:12:41.065-04:00

This is my last post. I wish I could explain where I have been recently, but I guess I have fallen out of the habit of really sharing here. Things have changed. I guess that is inevitable in life. I started blogging more than five years ago at a time when I was alone in a crisis. The first incarnation of this blog somehow garnered a lot of readers, though they seemed to dwindle in direct

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-71301590110836740712011-10-22T00:48:00.003-04:002011-10-22T02:09:47.888-04:00

I am tired of the mother. That rotten, stupid cow comes to my house at Easter, Christmas and my birthday. She doesn't stay long, but I don't want her here. I never do and I never have. And I'm tired of being quiet about it. Why should she get to come over here and pretend for a while three times a year when I have to struggle the way I do because of her? This whole business with the mother at my

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-3715032195296257082011-10-17T01:51:00.004-04:002011-10-17T02:38:59.838-04:00

I've been very busy since the pending carpet installation in the last post. I was felled by a very nasty cold in the middle of it all. The kids brought it home, it made the rounds and I actually caught it. Doesn't happen often, but it is miserable when it does happen. And still all of the usual demands of day-to-day life were present even though I was in bed for four days. I have a dim memory of

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-5863849602034235382011-10-02T22:48:00.002-04:002011-10-02T23:17:26.749-04:00

The second half of the new carpet gets installed in the morning (Monday). The carpet installers only move and replace FURNITURE, they don't move the stuff people keep on their dresser tops and the stuff in their closets or anything else considered to be 'personal belongings'. Company policy does not allow them to handle these items. I understand the reasoning behind that. But -- I have not yet

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-20559485933930962382011-10-01T00:59:00.000-04:002011-10-01T00:59:31.466-04:00

I have been busy. Friday was hectic, but good. The carpet installers were supposed to come Wednesday morning, but they had to reschedule for Friday to do the first half of the house and they will do the rest on Monday. I so dreaded this installation, even though I want the new carpet. I still have this hang-up about strangers in my house and the anticipatory anxiety the last couple of mornings

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-46751510864855064772011-09-28T01:02:00.002-04:002011-09-28T01:43:05.120-04:00

In regard to the last post -- I really did smell something. I smelled the past. It was a rabbit hole. I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I am for my current therapist. Yep. I fell in the hole. But this time it was different. I fell into the hole of the teenage girl and he came and found us there. He answered her many emails and then others read his responses and also the original emails

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-61534227705934496712011-09-22T03:05:00.002-04:002011-09-22T03:16:35.650-04:00

It smells a bit like some sort of insincerity. Where is it coming from? I don't know just yet, but I will certainly figure it out and protect myself accordingly if it is coming from something or someone in real-time. Oh yes I will. I'm good like that. In the meanwhile I am still busting my ass getting work done. But this song comes to mind: (I saw her live in concert once and she was awesomely

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-87078613333913862382011-09-19T00:18:00.003-04:002011-09-19T00:54:10.557-04:00

I haven't blogged much about it, because I haven't had much free time, but I have been doing a lot of work in my house for several weeks now. My main missions are replacing dysfunctional furnishings and matching new furnishings to function and floorplan, doing cleanings and repairs like washing walls and then patching little holes and scuffs and using touch-up paint. I had all the overgrown

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-76728345118174834462011-09-18T23:07:00.002-04:002011-09-18T23:14:04.087-04:00

*smack* Take THAT you little bastard. I am at the top of the food chain, not you. *and then I mercilessly flicked the little carcass off of my arm, which is SO much better than strangling one's very similar mother but only because certain actions are against the law and others are not*

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-60647419495913499742011-09-16T01:36:00.002-04:002011-09-16T05:30:04.044-04:00

1. The illness I live with is: I don't have an illness. In fact I am very healthy. Suffering episodes due to post-traumatic stress is not a disease. Considering all that has happened to me, how things are sometimes should not be considered 'unusual'. I don't buy into the disease mongering.2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: The fact that the problems I suffer were caused by trauma was

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-58742192050304604112011-09-14T01:10:00.005-04:002011-09-14T02:05:41.883-04:00

That's what my son calls my youngest daughter. He calls her Mini-Mom because she looks so much like me. Tuesday night at therapy, I explained the following to my therapist: 1. Mini-Mom started middle school this year at a performing arts academy. She was stunned and dismayed to find out that they still study math there and you can't sing your way through the assignments. Yes, we all need to know

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-47544333501140009992011-09-08T00:34:00.004-04:002011-09-08T01:06:20.351-04:00

The test post I tried to publish several days ago finally posted after I downloaded and opened the Google Chrome browser. Yay!! And thanks to the kind blogger who gave me the tip-off about IE 9 not being Blogger friendly. And also to Mago for his encouragement. He is right and the machines need to do what we tell them to. That is the challenge sometimes, eh?1. My old laptop is kaput and so I have

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-44399066683517392182011-09-03T03:13:00.001-04:002011-09-08T00:33:41.498-04:00

test

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-26810488422403218362011-08-30T22:10:00.002-04:002011-08-31T00:02:02.051-04:00

1. I checked my site stats. Seattle, Washington arrived here by searching "dbt findfuck". Hello, Seattle!!! I used to live where you live. Literally and figuratively. Sometimes I miss the great food and the Soundgarden of your literal location, but I do not miss the mindfuck of your figurative one. See my last post. It applies to you, too. And congratulations for figuring it out. You're in good

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-10930604781853896772011-08-27T01:04:00.002-04:002011-08-27T01:14:42.243-04:00

Dear Visitor from Irvine, California, I checked my stats and saw that you arrived here from your google search 'DBT causing PTSD'. I'm sorry that it happened to you, too. Find a new therapist, honey. Find someone who doesn't bow at the altar of the latest fad and someone who does not dismiss your pain. Therapy is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. Keep looking. If someone like me can find

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-66107867565089541172011-08-24T02:08:00.002-04:002011-08-24T03:49:19.929-04:00

I'm going to bed now. I feel better. I went to therapy. A strange and very good thing happened. He read the little girl her favorite story while she snuggled up next to him. The story is not over because it is kind of a long story. He is recording the rest so we can bring it home with us next week. The really good part is that I was kind of there, too. Not so separate and the same for the little

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-8891791116477170342011-08-23T01:24:00.002-04:002011-08-23T01:30:16.972-04:00

1. Just when I thought I was done with back-to-school stuff, the kids bring home more papers to fill out and it also seems that following the school supply list did not mean I would not have to go out and get a few extra things. 2. There was a glitch with the furniture delivery. 3. Sometimes being a landlord sucks. 4. I still have a sizeable to-do list. 5. I'm busier than a one-armed

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-57823086460055962702011-08-21T00:33:00.005-04:002011-08-21T01:24:38.372-04:00

Friday night before I went to bed, I remember I had begun to have that old, sad feeling of 'nothing really good is going on here and its a nose-to-the-grindstone kind of life for me in this house'. I reminded myself that something really good could happen at any time using the example of being rather suddenly cured of a horrendous sleep disorder earlier this year. Regular readers know that I

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-56099816735450081482011-08-20T01:12:00.007-04:002011-08-20T02:28:36.866-04:00

I was tooling around in my blog and my old emails tonight. I found something I had not previously been aware of. It was an email message from Rambo to my current therapist right before the campaign to get rid of the old therapist (buddha boy) last fall because that relationship was very damaging to some inside. There was a time when discovering something like this email would have sent me

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-74462806706755316332011-08-14T00:44:00.002-04:002011-08-14T00:49:44.527-04:00

I made it home from vacation. Surprisingly, I had a wonderful time. Maybe the 'vacation curse' has been broken. I have not enjoyed any vacation I have taken since 1988. Really. Vacation has become something of a torture for me for various reason, but this time was different. It was finally, finally different. I would love to share the details, but I have been unpacking and washing clothes all

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-63217419950817847692011-08-07T22:06:00.005-04:002011-08-07T23:34:03.915-04:00

And the last bit of business before leaving in the morning... The doggies went to their former owners who will love them and care for them while we are gone. The minute they saw the man who was their dad, they were all over him and he was thrilled. Lots of whining and happy dog sounds, butts and tails wagging a mile a minute. They jumped right up and licked and kissed his face and were so very

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-21120299433035320612011-08-06T23:02:00.003-04:002011-08-06T23:37:59.116-04:00

Agoraphobia aside (ooh, I like that phrase), there are actual practical reasons an already overwhelmed person might have an especially difficult time going away on vacation with her family.1. Because you always have to take people shopping first for new shorts, swimsuits and sundries (I hate shopping).2. You have to get caught up on the laundry in order to pack.3. You have to make all

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-6607447695558094112011-08-04T00:43:00.003-04:002011-08-04T02:23:58.923-04:00

I talked to my husband before I went to therapy. I asked him, as I often do when I feel rotten, what he thinks I should do. He said something brilliant this time. He asked me why sometimes therapy helps me and sometimes it doesn't. I knew the answer right away. It helps when the person who needs help is the one who gets to go to therapy instead of having me stand in their way so I don't have to

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-6980288358084688462011-08-04T00:05:00.003-04:002011-08-04T02:34:16.494-04:00

Rambo went out and did the grocery shopping last Sunday because no one else was able. I was there, but I could only watch and listen. He stopped at the gas station and filled up the truck first. There was a gorgeous lady inside complaining to the clerk that she was having trouble operating the gas pump. Rambo was smitten and made a bit of conversation with her and offered to help her if changing

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-47310415769858844902011-08-03T01:29:00.002-04:002011-08-03T02:02:08.284-04:00

I'm going to bed now. I got done some stuff that I have been putting off, so I guess that's good. I've still been feeling sad, though, because it hurts me to know that I am a disappointment to my family because of my problems. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and suddenly be normal and able to do all the things that I can't do right now. There are so many things that I hope to be able to do

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-43166439125694653142011-08-02T02:25:00.003-04:002011-08-02T02:52:02.011-04:00

I overheard a snippet of conversation Monday. The hub was speaking with a customer who wanted to sell some collectibles. I heard the price involved and I knew immediately that the purchase price was the reason the hub dismissed the deal out of hand. However, I also heard what the merchandise was and my brain immediately went to two other customers who I knew would buy it. The hub was reluctant to

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-31596133065571547632011-08-02T01:04:00.002-04:002011-08-02T01:25:20.727-04:00

...and though I suck, many people who have PTSD and DID are much more crippled than I am. These conditions are devastating. My family doesn't understand, but I do. In spite of my problems, I DO take care of them. If not for me and my actions in spite of my problems, we would be poor, we'd live in a shitty neighborhood, no one would have decent medical care, there would be no fancy private schools

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-34112370570969220342011-08-01T23:39:00.003-04:002011-08-01T23:55:35.661-04:00

I have made it through many stressful things this summer and yet I feel as if I have accomplished next to nothing. Here it is, a new month and a stack of bills to be paid and I still haven't balanced the checkbook. I have a new tenant to accommodate this week and I also have something else I have to do. I have to figure out what to do about vacation. I didn't book anything yet. I don't like

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-7205854755342361232011-07-31T01:30:00.002-04:002011-07-31T01:50:58.427-04:00

I have not smoked a cigarette in almost 24 hours. I'm done with that garbage and now I know how much I deserve something better. I have come to collect my something better and I REFUSE to fail to receive it. This was my attitude all day Saturday. Did my attitude provide the lucky thing that happened later? I think not. I think it only helped indirectly because it helped me refrain from smoking

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-29801623749069102462011-07-30T02:47:00.003-04:002011-07-30T04:23:49.078-04:00

A and J are 15 year-old twins. A was out with friends on Friday and J was at home with me after she got back from her volunteer job (her best bud is out of town with family). J was bored, so she decided to launder her bedding. To my surprise, she also stripped her sister's bedding and washed that as well. Then she came with me to look at furniture online while waiting for the washer and dryer.

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-88794531103454912812011-07-29T00:53:00.003-04:002011-07-29T01:45:41.512-04:00

Okay, so I fell down another rabbit hole (the last post). Yep. I did. Because I was describing the dissociation to my therapist as a trap door down which I send everything bad in order to get it out of my face so I can function. And then it comes back after me and stops me from functioning. Lather, rinse, repeat. Over and over and faster and faster until... I can barely function at all, my house

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-2273278033252073172011-07-26T22:55:00.005-04:002011-07-27T00:37:58.984-04:00

I feel like an alien, shipwrecked on some strange planet where the vast majority are cognitively impaired and are sometimes deaf with no predictable rhyme or reason to their herky-jerky non-patterns of spontaneous bouts of hearing and comprehension. I do not hate the natives or bear them ill will, not most of them anyway. Hating them now seems to me like hating a clueless toddler who lights the

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-60374443982354268612011-07-21T00:25:00.007-04:002011-07-21T01:20:25.619-04:00

1. I guess I don't blog much anymore, eh?2. I still read other people's blogs once in a while, but I rarely comment or email anyone because I would probably just say the wrong thing anyway.3. Though I like not being cold, summer still sucks and I CAN'T WAIT for it to be over. This month has been especially bad and I just need some issues finished off and the kids back in school.4. I have just

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-49068473228683141712011-07-10T00:09:00.002-04:002011-07-10T00:57:31.193-04:00

I don't know why I thought of it tonight, but I did. It was the time when I was only 17 years old and working as a waitress in a steak house in a rural portion of the Southeastern U.S. It was Cowboy Country for sure. I was quite intimidated by the lady who owned and managed the joint. She was a very stern looking woman whose orders came down only from the head waitress. She had also been in

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-12176945962448679762011-07-05T23:07:00.002-04:002011-07-05T23:38:51.885-04:00

I finally feel some. Things have been very hard for me lately. I have been VERY anxious and distraught. I have lots of things I need to do, but my inner problems caused me to become disorganized and completely screwed up. I limped on as best I could, but I have been thoroughly miserable and minimally effectual. And now I feel some relief. It happened tonight at therapy. And maybe it started the

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-66444713600114614382011-07-04T01:22:00.006-04:002011-07-04T02:02:17.288-04:00

One of my teens volunteers her time to care for toddlers and pre-schoolers during the week. It thrills me that she is kind to little children, but... little children are basically very cute and precious little germ factories. Darling, but potentially deadly considering the pathogenic little (snot)bubbles in which they exist. The poor things. My sweet J came home ill on Friday. Sunday morning she

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-24137967593750085982011-07-01T02:37:00.004-04:002011-07-01T03:01:03.769-04:00

If you lie to a woman to get her into your car and then take her where she says she does not want go, if you force her into your house and block her exit when she tries to leave, if you physically overpower her in order to have sex with her in spite of her protest and you force her to remain there so you can have unwilling sex with her once again, then... YOU ARE A RAPIST. Calling her afterward

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-69092049671915184382011-06-28T00:42:00.004-04:002011-06-28T01:34:14.780-04:00

I took the twins to their doctor appointment yesterday for their annual checkup. She asked a lot of questions about family history. When we got to my grandparents, she asked in amazement, "They're HOW OLD??!!" And then she told the girls, "You sure picked the right family." Not that we actually get to pick, but yeah, the genes are prettty good. And that bit also made me think of... the food. I

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-75570725220448375592011-06-27T01:42:00.002-04:002011-06-27T01:50:53.565-04:00

Something is missing in me right now. I don't know what it is, but... here is an example of how I know it is gone:Daughter A asked me for spending money so she can go out with her out-of-state boyfriend (the best kind) during his visit. And I told her yes, provided that she promises not to consider having sex with him no matter what he says or does (she is only fifteen). She seemed a little

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-37936166058782683312011-06-23T23:46:00.003-04:002011-06-24T01:25:33.313-04:00

I deleted the last post, but I just now put it back. I deleted it because it seemed like some weird combination of TMI and boring stuff, but I guess that is because I have been so busy that I did not have enough spare time in which to properly consider the thoughts and feelings I had about that post after I put it up. I took time to consider these things tonight and I guess I just posted what is.

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-72096032556005618732011-06-22T02:13:00.004-04:002011-06-23T23:46:13.562-04:00

I am very near to officially creating a long overdue new business entity in which to properly and fairly house certain financial activities. With the culmination of this event, the hub and I will need to revamp our wills in order to include the interest in the new entity. I HATE this talk of wills. I hate it because we have minor children and such an event forces us to consider what would happen

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-88988260776392169502011-06-16T23:01:00.002-04:002011-06-16T23:04:02.685-04:00

I looked at pictures like this one today and they made me feel good.I won't be online much for a while. I have TONS of stuff to do. Be back soon.

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-87891340941493682562011-06-16T02:58:00.004-04:002011-06-16T03:28:33.723-04:00

I rarely go on vacation because of my anxiety issues. My family has done things without me, but nothing that could really qualify as a real vacation. It's been three years and the pressure is on. I got pretty much nothing accomplished again today. But I DID make a decision. We are going on vacation in August and I have begun to plan it out. The first thing I though of was Chuck Norris (my two

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-2409496116455198812011-06-15T02:29:00.001-04:002011-06-15T02:57:33.376-04:00

1. I want to thank those who do still read here, even when you don't comment. I love you guys. Sometimes I don't comment, either. Sometimes I can't because I'm a little screwed up in the head and would probably just say something dumb.2. I went to therapy tonight. The screaming, sobbing, air-sucking girl was gone. She began to disappear by Sunday night or so and was pretty much gone by Monday. I

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-35941232706815424402011-06-13T02:01:00.004-04:002011-06-13T02:49:39.375-04:00

I know very few people read here anymore, but what the hell. I'll write anyway.I'm worried what will happen on Tuesday. The therapist has been wonderful about staying in touch with me in the middle of all the flashback chaos, but... what if things go wrong? I managed to write him a few lines about the contents of the flashback, but I'm not sure I will be able to speak about it in person. I don't

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-90078669411910471142011-06-12T01:31:00.002-04:002011-06-12T01:49:51.882-04:00

I had a really bad flashback Friday night. Saturday was spent just trying to recover. Maybe Sunday will be better. And maybe Tuesday I can do what was invited by the therapist and actually tell him what the problem is instead of just wanting his help to recover from the disorganizing effects of the flashback. I wonder if other people with PTSD tell their therapists the contents of their

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-25438013497258340172011-06-10T22:00:00.000-04:002011-06-10T22:00:23.536-04:00

Something good happened today. No, I did not get a lot done and I still had anxiety problems, but they were less than they have been. I think it is because I know where this recent stuff has been coming from now (see the last post). Anyway, I went with my husband to attend a concert that our daughter was in tonight. I ran into another parent and had a lot of time to talk with him before the

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-62180361436877206462011-06-10T01:14:00.001-04:002011-06-10T01:16:06.271-04:00

It's been Anxiety Central in here. I just want it to go away. I've tried everything, but nothing helps much for very long and I found myself chasing my tail again CBT/ DBT style. That goes something like this: "There is nothing wrong with anxiety and you have to accept it. And yet you must soothe yourself so the anxiety will go away. You must work very hard at this because coping (not HEALING,

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-42766963934776107562011-06-04T21:44:00.006-04:002011-06-04T23:23:32.522-04:00

The husband took the kids to a party for one of their little buddies tonight, so I have no one to listen to my Scary Tales of Real Estate. Oh, wait... I have the whole internet! Okay, this one is about our house that we live in now...It was what we call a 'cosmetic fixer-upper'. It had a new roof, was structurally sound and really didn't need much in the way of actual repairs. Except it was

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-57539841578411493692011-06-02T22:50:00.006-04:002011-06-02T23:55:28.491-04:00

I feel very sad tonight. I have a horrible to-do list. I started out with a bang today and sort of ended in a fizzle. I did get a few important thing marked off the list, though. I got my computer problems fixed, too. I even made a wonderful dinner only to have it mess up the bottom of my oven (which is soaking for a wash right now and thus added to tomorrow's version of The List).I am so low on

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-11376014043638489332011-05-30T01:14:00.000-04:002011-05-30T01:14:05.340-04:00

My dear friend Grace is very, very sick. I haven't been able to blog about this because I've been too torn up to manage it, but Grace is in very bad shape right now. If you are in Grace's address book, then you have heard from her awesome local friend, Kathy. If not, then you don't know, but Grace has been moved to a different hospital and is in the ICU fighting for her life. She can't

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-29432153246211650702011-05-28T01:43:00.003-04:002011-05-28T02:21:11.053-04:00

1. I am not around online as much right now because I am having computer problems and have to share with the hub when I can sneak in. PLUS -- I usually rely on my browser (like a lazy slob) to find blogs and I don't have that convenience right now. :-( Life is kind of busy at the moment and fixing my personal computer issues is NOT on the top of my priority list.:-(:-(2. I took Infant A and

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-37880009059367375192011-05-24T02:27:00.002-04:002011-05-24T02:31:49.328-04:00

Long story short - I dreamed I was walking down a road where there had been a terrible car crash. There were three bodies laid out on the road and three firefighters were working to save them. I approached the first body and the firefighter who was working to revive it looked up at me. He said, "You might want to step back, ma'am. Sometimes they wake up screaming."

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-57764298726936563552011-05-21T23:38:00.005-04:002011-05-22T00:17:22.527-04:00

Mine is that house where little kids congregate, eat lots of food and make lots of noise. Sometimes it gets chaotic. But... at least I have an 'assistant'. Saturday was wild in my house with neighborhood children playing indoors due to the heat. One little boy was a bit hyper and I walked into the living room to see him forcefully and recklessly wielding a plastic sword in a room filled with

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-36743185907458018282011-05-19T00:19:00.003-04:002011-05-19T00:31:12.679-04:00

Wednesday was mostly unproductive. I slept in big time because I didn't quite get enough sleep the night before. I hate it when this happens because when I sleep too much to make up for a deficit, I end up tired, lazy and unmotivated for all of the next day because of the extended sleep that my body grabbed in order to right things. Issaac Newton was right -- a body in motion tends to remain in

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-26900305953477278012011-05-17T00:14:00.001-04:002011-05-17T00:19:29.758-04:00

I wrote in my novel again Monday morning, as I will continue to do every morning. I won't put myself away anymore because it's not fair and it is also much too painful and despairing to do that. I wrote 700 words again. I would have liked a little more, but this was okay as I needed a bit of extra sleep. The freedom of writing helps me. After I wrote, I read some writer's blogs, I made dinner and

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-9692518901286210662011-05-16T01:05:00.003-04:002011-05-16T02:08:53.621-04:00

ALTERNATE TITLE FOR THIS POST: THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATIONLots of people call in sick and cannot come to work when they are ill. I am having the opposite problem right now. I am 'calling in healthy' and just haven't been showing up for some jobs that seem to always, no matter what I do, end up as exclusively MINE. I have tried bribes, payments to children for household chores, job charts,

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-64314674869229321122011-05-14T09:57:00.002-04:002011-05-14T10:07:36.562-04:00

I went to bed early and slept well. I got up at the crack of dawn instead of dreading the day and rolling over to go back to sleep before eventually dragging myself up and wasting the whole day just trying to survive it mentally and emotionally. Then I took some hens out of the freezer for tonight's dinner, made some coffee and wrote over 1100 words of pure, delicious story. All before 10 AM!

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-54580767989292697102011-05-13T22:24:00.001-04:002011-05-13T22:28:22.528-04:00

If you are conscious (or in my case, co-conscious), you (or a part of you) cannot tell your therapist something without you somehow finding out about it. And I have found out about something that makes perfect and absolute sense and I'm glad the big blabber-mouth sneaked off to send an email to the therapist and that I checked my sent file because I thought it was a dream and then became

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-89565851413038224422011-05-11T00:01:00.000-04:002011-05-11T00:01:53.122-04:00

I'm out of bed now. I can't say too much more for myself than that, but it's a start. I spoke to the therapist. I have no idea where he got it, but he sure has a lot of patience. Lucky for me. I'm trying to get myself together. Thank you to my online friends who stayed around during these last awful days. Once again I am amazed by how much lasting damage can be done when a person gets separated

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-34985546200573528712011-05-08T20:02:00.000-04:002011-05-08T20:03:18.634-04:00

I'm still depressed. It's making me so tired that I can't seem to get up and do anything. And now I've discovered that I screwed up the kids' schedule for this coming week and I have two school events to attend for the youngest instead of just one and now I have to cancel therapy. I thought all the stuff she has been rehearsing all went to the same performance, but it doesn't. So, I will drag

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-70125134234411650232011-05-07T17:22:00.001-04:002011-05-07T17:23:42.794-04:00

In spite of feeling a little down for a couple of days toward the beginning of the week, I still managed to get quite a bit done. The silliest thing on my list is going to take a while to actually fix, but I did get the ball rolling. Anyone care to know the silliest problem on my to-do list? I accidentally discovered a strange thing on the twins' birth certificates as I had occasion to need them

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-9724999243226060552011-04-30T13:01:00.002-04:002011-04-30T13:05:30.247-04:00

Busy, busy, busy. So I won't be around much. But never say I don't occasionally find cool stuff and post it here. Check out this little guy. :-)

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-78224607411664451962011-04-26T23:24:00.004-04:002011-04-27T00:02:28.985-04:00

I had therapy today. It was so nice to share all my recent successes and wellness with someone who helped me find my way to where I am now. I am by no means in a perfect place, but I am in a much better place than I was and it seems to be holding for the most part. I think I had nearly given up hope that something like this could exist without dissociation, but something in me wouldn't let me

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-31719129479301316472011-04-26T01:12:00.005-04:002011-04-26T02:30:02.779-04:00

I had to work my tail off all day and evening on Sunday to get some things done beforehand, but the family and I did make it to our special day out for Monday. We went to a very beautiful botanical gardens and then to a science museum. I kind of wanted to take some pictures at the gardens, but what used to be MY camera was taken over by the husband and the youngest daughter after the hub broke

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-42329496647415515642011-04-23T20:36:00.005-04:002011-04-24T00:51:42.964-04:00

The mother was here. The husband and the kids were not at home. I let her in because I was not afraid of her. She left gifts for the kids. She said she would have gotten me a gift too, but she knows I am 'too big for that sort of thing' now. (She's just now figuring that out when I'm 44? Really?) I also took the opportunity to remind her that I do not observe Christian holidays to begin with. I

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-55513080838452869912011-04-22T01:31:00.000-04:002011-04-22T02:31:42.754-04:00

1. I'm getting caught up on the things I got a little behind on. I got some rest and have been eating exclusively from my own kitchen again and so I have much more energy to work with since I am no longer feeling sluggish and weighed down by fast food and take out garbage (and the stress of multiple tax returns in which one form begets another until I want to SCREAM from the sheer complexity of

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-79822410698502202222011-04-19T02:38:00.004-04:002011-04-19T08:38:25.001-04:00

I finally finished all the taxes and got them all in by the deadline. I 'thought' I had handled tax time better this year just because I didn't cry or throw up. That is what I 'thought'. But I still have a lot of trouble keeping focus on something that involved without letting other things go by the wayside. I 'thought' I had done better this time because I took many days to do the taxes and took

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-48378154131683834602011-04-18T02:46:00.003-04:002011-04-18T03:25:45.716-04:00

Hello and welcome! I see you found my blog and my sidebar by googling "cbt is traumatizing and invalidating". I understand. I get a lot of visitors to this blog who find me with similar searches related to cbt and dbt. You are not alone and I am sorry for your pain. Your pain is not invalid. I hope you will speak with your therapist about his or her approach or I hope you can find someone else

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-61159752559442338742011-04-16T01:27:00.002-04:002011-04-16T01:48:05.749-04:00

I am pleased to report that I took care of things just fine on Thursday. I took my child and her imaging and lab results to an out-of-town specialist and it turns out that her tummy is just fine and she only needs a slight dietary tweak (more fiber). I guess this is what can happen when little girls turn into teenagers and go off with their buddies and indulge at McDonald's (yuck!) a tad too

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-41086003287039872692011-04-13T23:57:00.003-04:002011-04-14T00:39:42.788-04:00

It's been flashback city in here. It's been quite a while since that happened and it scares me that it still can. It has a lot to do with the stuff I wrote about Easter in the last post. By the time I made it into therapy Tuesday night, I was pretty much on my last legs. I lost control and a scared little girl came out and latched on to the man she recognizes as her 'real mommy' and told him that

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-43828211890491052462011-04-12T01:36:00.005-04:002011-04-12T02:52:37.771-04:00

Where to begin? So much has been happening inside that it sometimes seems futile to try to keep up on a blog. For starters, the protector has been protecting me by fueling procrastination. First off, I bought him a new truck (with the approval of the inner bookkeeper), then he took to finding every diversion in the book to 'protect' me from doing my taxes. Not that I'm really bitching, mind you.

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-13152772462268205172011-04-07T21:06:00.004-04:002011-04-08T00:04:41.187-04:00

I bought it today. Yeah, I do need it because the Merc was almost out of factory warranty and we had our first major repair this morning (throttle body). I would not have been able to swing a newer vehicle if I hadn't been paying attention to my books. So, this is my reward for all of the budgeting, planning, scrimping, saving and general cheapness, etc. that I have been concentrating on for so

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-65077971598986936492011-03-31T23:56:00.000-04:002011-03-31T23:56:50.134-04:00

It's been more than a month since I've posted here. I did not plan to abandon this place and it didn't happen because of dissociation, it happened because things have changed for me and I got busy with other things to the best of my ability. I will catch you up on a few details now ('you' being those who still show up on this dusty old highway:-). 1. I have been consistently sleeping at night now

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-42664454198916904902011-02-27T23:44:00.000-05:002011-02-27T23:44:31.866-05:00

I went to bed a tiny bit earlier than usual Sunday morning. I didn't sleep as long as usual and so I got shorted a bit, but these two things together had me up and awake at an almost decent (for me) hour. What's really great is that I felt pretty good when I woke up. I decided to go out and do the grocery shopping instead of waiting for evening. I went outside and it was the most beautiful sunny

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-9211382715863999252011-02-27T06:17:00.005-05:002011-02-27T06:50:21.671-05:00

I watched TV in the bedroom. I accidentally left it on when I moved to the living room. Then I watched something else in there. Then I left that one on when I went to clean some things in the kitchen. When I came back into the living room, some dumb fucking infomercial about some idiotic CBT program was on the set. Oh, yes. I'm sure that can fix me and I'm just dying to offload a couple grand in

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-77709647229887500302011-02-23T02:38:00.001-05:002011-02-23T02:39:46.273-05:00

Television shows have been keeping me afloat at night lately (and away from blogging). I have discovered some shows that are new to me and they have me completely engrossed and so I use them to get through the night. I've been especially enjoying 'Criminal Minds', 'Without a Trace', 'Rizzoli and Isles' and 'Fairly Legal'. Watching in bed with covers and a sleeping husband seemed more comforting

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-8002598528534783132011-02-19T06:33:00.005-05:002011-02-19T06:59:40.842-05:00

For anyone who showed up here and has not guessed what is going on, I freaked out and moved my blog to author only access to cut myself a break.In other news, I have been clothes shopping and also visited the beauty parlor to have my hair cut (finally). Like usual, I got ladies gathering around to feel my hair and say how wonderful it is. Yeah, it's because I avoid beauty parlors until they are

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-39540376984289899142011-02-17T07:58:00.000-05:002011-02-17T07:59:48.001-05:00

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-49700324492850031022011-02-16T05:20:00.003-05:002011-02-16T07:18:17.175-05:00

I've been shy about blogging lately, but here goes...I've been thinking about someone very special tonight. I think of him often, but why tonight? I dunno. Maybe because my therapist reminds me of his inherent decency. My therapist is a safe man and it is okay to talk to him, be with him, hug him, hold his hand -- I know he won't hurt me and is no kind of pervert. And my friend J was the same.J

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-12241082524428153422011-02-14T12:10:00.000-05:002011-02-14T12:11:12.792-05:00

Fear of sleeping is a very sucky thing.

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-70555970263199409842011-02-12T21:26:00.000-05:002011-02-12T21:27:03.827-05:00

We went out to dinner tonight. It was a good time, but as I've written on this blog before, my ability to enjoy things is limited at times. As I went outside and felt the cold air, noticed the gloomy skies and felt a sense of foreboding, a realization came together for me. This feeling that has plagued me all of my life to varying degrees, this Thing that has been called agoraphobia, PTSD,

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-90012632479286576212011-02-12T07:02:00.002-05:002011-02-12T07:38:23.911-05:00

I haven't been as functional as usual lately due to the dealings of the inner children, but I am on the rebound. There is other good news, too. Though I did delete a couple of posts specific to the little girl, I did it to keep things private and not to keep her dissociated. For me, this is a mark of progress. I am really trying very hard to work with the implanted shame around having needs and

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-5325662640839662932011-02-11T02:48:00.000-05:002011-02-11T02:49:10.582-05:00

This seems like a new fact to me, though it is not. My sister and I used to be good friends, but I've barely talked to her at all in several years even though we live in the same neighborhood. She called me out of the blue yesterday. The timing was odd, because I was a thinly controlled mess when she called. No, I didn't cry and spill my guts. I'm not that easy (and intimacy freaks me out).

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-56378630812091532772011-02-09T02:06:00.002-05:002011-02-09T03:21:59.828-05:00

I made it through my therapy appointment. A lot of things led up to being able to do so, but I did it and no one quit therapy. :-) As a matter of fact, three fifths of me loves New Guy and thinks he can help. One of those fifths even sent him roses Monday with the assistance of the other two fifths. A fourth fifth has a man crush on New Guy and also thinks he is a good therapist for us. And I

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-38750184928190216642011-02-08T03:50:00.003-05:002011-02-08T05:17:41.065-05:00

Well, again, Superbowl Sunday has come and gone and nothing bad has happened to me. Why should something bad happen to me? Because I was raped on Superbowl Sunday right after the game when I was 28. I used to have a lot of flashbacks before I remembered and I used to get all messed up in the head about the game (and other related cues) and I had NO FREAKIN' IDEA why. And then I remembered and Old

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-88063196368578265712011-02-07T07:20:00.004-05:002011-02-07T08:12:27.525-05:00

I feel grateful:1. ... for being able to help my son.2. ... that my daughters are mentally, emotionally and physically healthy.3. ... that I have a husband who comes to find me just to say, "I love you very much." I love him very much, too.4. ... for having a therapist who will come and find me when I am lost.5. ... for having a very beautiful friend who is always graceful, even when she thinks

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-6445746480970433772011-02-05T17:49:00.000-05:002011-02-05T17:50:20.196-05:00

I'm out of the rabbit hole and I'm so relieved. It's horrible down there.

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-58681884605660659752011-02-05T07:19:00.002-05:002011-02-05T07:43:35.137-05:00

The teenager freaked out and tried to bail on therapy because she is TERRIFIED that New Guy might turn into Old Guy if somebody remembers something. And so... we quit therapy by email. Again. And then we were able to fall asleep because the teenager stopped freaking out. We slept and slept and slept. And New Guy was emailing me and calling my husband to check on me the whole time. He left a

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-24519937811641951982011-02-04T13:27:00.001-05:002011-02-04T14:04:16.248-05:00

I trusted him very deeply. He let me do that and he helped me through a memory. Things changed when the second memory came. A raped girl crawled out of the muck and came looking for him to help her go home like he helped the lady. He didn't help her because she still cried one week later and prevented me from working my ass to the bone fixing up a rental house. EVERYONE knows that you should go

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021864494920252197.post-4618589818214648502011-02-02T19:49:00.000-05:002011-02-02T19:49:58.713-05:00

I won't be going out anywhere tonight. Today featured one of those weepy meltdowns. And yes, it was over the need to go to sleep this morning. The little girl gets upset when it is time to go to bed. I think some things are coming to a head right now. There are things coming up in therapy that I have not been blogging about. I think part of the reason for not blogging about it is that the little

Ethereal Highwayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01120557764517618673noreply@blogger.com2